I had kind of a personal revelation today at church today. During the pastor's sermon I was having a hard time concentrating, so my attention was drifting in and out. We have huge projector screens in our sanctuary, so I reading along with the Bible passages. And it said something about "... and you will receive my Glory" (it was God talking). So, just that phrase sprialed me far off from the sermon, never to return, and probably forever to wonder just what risky investments have to do with me and God. But I digress...
So here's the thing. I'm supposed to be working for God's glory, to please God, to have my priorities be God's priorities. And I've been struggling so much lately with wanting to do more foster care, but having my house (and hands) so full. I daydream about remodeling so we'd have an extra bedroom... but when I really sit down and think about it, I know that the kids I have NOW need all of me NOW. And in that instant in church, I realized that I miss that glory I got from others. The cooing over the cute baby, the "I don't know how you do it!"s, the "You're wonderful!"s. I'm still working hard. God knows that! Supporting H right now... yikes! You wouldn't know it from seeing us at church or a store or whereever, but it's TOUGH, and (by golly!) we're really good at it! We were meant to do this.
It was pretty humbling to realize that all that angst I was having is rooted in me wanting glory from others, from me wanting their complements and glory. I'm disappointed in myself! But there is something about self-discovery that feels good, too. Along the lines of "Oh! So that's why I've been feeling that way! Well, that's just silly. Here, let me pause to pat myself on the back, and get on with my life." And I think that was God working in my life today, letting me get what I needed out of that scripture, out of that sermon. So thanks, Pr M, and thanks, God!
2 comments:
Oh Carin,
Do I ever hear what you're saying!! It does feel good to get the praise. Knowing that you're doing a great job and getting recognized for it to boot... It feels so GOOD! But now, now is the real challenge and it's amazing that you recognized it...the courage and stamina to keep going after the applause has calmed. I look at it like a marathon...there's a huge crowd there at the beginning; cheering you on, shouting encouragement. But, by mile 11, it gets pretty quiet. An occasional glass of water and a quiet push from a few passersby...here the motivation has to come from within. Now is when God's whispers pull you through. You know what though? There's another big crowd waiting for you at the end of the race...and they're louder and more happy to see you there than anywhere else along the road. :-)
(Dear me...it's late and I'm philosophical...bad combination! <*grin*> Here's a glass of water and a granola bar...good luck with mile 12!! You're doing great!)
I read your post on Sunday and really felt that we are a lot alike!! Now that the week is half over and a lot has happened I really feel that your thoughts are quite similar to mine. We met with M's teacher this week and just as I suspected she wants to have testing done on her and I feel as if I have failed not only as a teacher but as her mother! :( I am very needy in terms of what you were saying having glory from others and in this circumstance I just feel as though somewhere down this road of life I have failed and fear others could start pointing that out. Reading your "God in my life.." has helped me see that its not others I need to worry about pleasing, its God and I am trying to be the best mother to M and J and to follow God's path. Thank you so much for writing what you did! You are doing a great job and I don't know how you do it. Having only two kids I sometimes feel extremely overwhelmed and I couldn't imagine having 4!!:) love you, k
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