Surprise! Happy Birthday!

So, we were enjoying our frozen custard desserts (my choice of "birthday cake") when the presents came out. J and T brought out very similar gift bags. H brought me one of her favorite stuffed animals. :) I hugged that and dug into the bags. J and the kiddos got me a Wii game! Big Brain academy.

"Oh, it looks like J and I should have talked, " T says.

I pull a Wii game shaped package out of T'sbag. I unwrap an empty Wii game case. Inside... plane tickets to go see my family in Wisconsin.... leaving September 1.... returning September 9!!! I started to cry, which freaked the kids out, but I assured them it was happy tears.

I want so much to see and hug my sister. And bonus that I can lend a hand while I'm there, plus see all the other relatives!!! And T's mom will be here to help him with the kids for the week+ that I am gone. T set everything up, with his parents and mine. I didn't suspect a thing.

I just can't believe this. I am soooo excited. :) Plus there will be lots of time to crochet on the plane, at the airport, in the evenings... :)

Happy Mental Healthday!

I am 34 today! And in a very good mood, because yesterday I took a mental health day!

I picked up N to babysit in the morning. (She's our former foster daughter.) She babysat all day, and I took the kids out one by one to do some last minute school shopping. New clothes for the first day of school, new gym shoes, school supplies, etc. Even some flip flops on summer clearance. :) If I had tried to do a group shop, I know we would have all been frustrated, tired, and cranky. One on one, we had a GREAT time! I really enjoyed spending time with each kiddo, and I know they enjoyed it, too! :)

Then I left all the kids at home, ran some errands, got a haircut, and bought some yarn. :) Half the fun is wandering through the store checking out all the different yarns.

To top off a wonderful day, ALL of our cars are finally working again. This weekend we had four cars needing repairs in one way or another. Ugh. So we're close to having John's old car in selling condition. His new car has working A/C again. The window on Tony's car has been shut, and the switch disconnected so it can't be lowered ever again! :) And the van arrived home with a new transmission. Whew!

All is well. Mental health days aren't free, but they are priceless!

How I Got Back My Peace with God

Sometimes when I look at a picture, I brings everything back. Smells, sounds, even what I was thinking. This is a picture of me and Zeke in September of 2001. I was saying cheese, but I remember thinking about how I could have had two kids on my lap. This is the post I told myself I'd get around to writing, explaining how I got back my peace with God.

On May 13, 2001, at 32 weeks pregnant, I found out our baby had died. We'd known for a few weeks that she had a brain malformation, but if any of the several doctors we'd seen had mentioned that it might kill her... well, neither T nor I remember ever being warned of that. So we sat at the hospital, having seen the nurse and ultrasound tech's faces, and waited for the doctor to confirm what we'd already guessed. She came in quickly and spoke with us. We chose to go with an induction and delivery that same day. We'd brought our 13 month old son, Z, to the hospital with us (we'd gone in for a quick check, because I wasn't feeling the baby move, I'd convinced myself we were over reacting). T contacted friends to come and pick up Z, but they were a ways away. Z was getting restless, so T took him to roam the halls.

I waited in the room. When I was finally alone, I started rocking my whole body, hands around my belly, just whispering "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God." Without concious thought I was praying.

It happened again later that day when our baby, R, was born, already dead. It was such a chaotic scene. My labor had gone from very slow progression to very fast. Suddenly I needed to push, and a nurse check confirmed I was ready. And with two hurriedly gloved and gowned nurses and no doctor I gave one good push. "It's a girl," the nurse pronounced. I drew in a relieved breath and with it came reality. "Oh, God!" This time I screamed it, but it was a still a prayer, from the depths of my pain.

All that day, all the days and weeks that followed, I felt closer and more connected to God than I ever had before. I couldn't begin to understand what happened, why she had to die. We wanted her no matter what her IQ, her disabilities, no matter what. But even though I didn't understand, there was an inexplicable peace about me. About us. T felt it, too. Like we were being held in God's hands.

Somehow, as the months went by, that peace became harder to find. I could still remember how it felt, but I just couldn't feel that way anymore. I was angry. Bitter. There was a prayer list at church, and I wondered why people asked for prayers. More than others, I knew that "thy will be done" sometimes meant that healing would not come. I didn't stop praying, but I think my prayers were different than people might have wished for. I seldom asked God to heal someone. I mostly asked God to send his peace. I asked for it for me, too.

The bitterness would ebb and flow. I think it actually got worse when I was closer to God. When I would lapse into periods without regular Bible study or scripture it was easy not to think about it. When I would open my Bible or talk with others, it was like poking a wound at times.

We went to a week of church camp this summer, and I began to suspect that the bitterness was growing, and that it was a dangerous thing. I know it sounds dramatic, but I really felt like I needed to deal with it. I prayed that God would send me to someone to talk to, or send someone to me. I talked with a few people about it, but didn't really feel like I had an answer or understanding.

When I brought it up in my women's Bible study, I'd kind of given up on trying to get rid of the bitterness, I just wanted to express my frustration that every one is willing to give God credit for the good, but anything bad that happens just can't be "of God". Why would no one acknowledge that sometimes God's plan included hurt and loss? Our Bible study leader wasn't from our church, and I'd found her to be a little to fundamentalist for my taste, so I really wasn't expecting any help from her. But she was the one.

"Just remember, no matter what else, that there is no better place for your little one to be than in God's arms." Now that's kind of a cliche sort of thing to say, kind of a knee jerk kind of comment that would have really hurt in the days following R's death. I almost rolled my eyes when she said it, but just nodded. I also knew that her own son had died as a child, so she was saying what she knew to be true for her. Still, it didn't mean much for me.

It was 4 days later that it sunk in. Seriously. I was getting dressed after my shower, getting ready for a busy day when it just CLICKED. Exactly, R is FINE. She is with God, and God is taking care of her, and she will never know pain, or teasing, or loneliness. *I* am going through some hard times with it, but *she* is fine. And I think I was getting a little selfish, but I wouldn't admit it was on my own behalf. I was angry and bitter because of what God had taken from her... when really he'd given her everything. I needed to remember that I was angry because of me, and my loss... and while I will miss R every day of my life, God has now filled it with so many things that may not have been possible if R had lived.

It's ok for me to miss R. It's ok to grieve. But I don't think I can be angry with God about God's plan anymore. If R had lived, would we have gone on to have G? (probably not). Would we have become fosterparents? (probably not, if we were busy with R's care, as we were likely to be). Would we have adopted J and H? (probably not) So could I pick between R living and G, J, and H? I don't want to have to choose! And I'm glad I didn't have to! I'm glad God is in charge of my life. I need to remember that more often.

God has a plan. He doesn't promise it will be easy. He doesn't promise we'll live a long life. He doesn't promise we won't suffer. He doesn't promise that we'll meet our earthly goals. But with God we will have joy and peace (and all those other fruits I can't remember right now! :) ) no matter what situation we're in. And with God we can do things we can't even imagine.

That's what I want to remember whenever I feel that seed of bitterness sprouting again!

My Hats

As a way to feel like I was helping, I dug out my crochet stuff to work on a hat for my niece with leukemia. Her hair is falling out, and I wanted to do something. I picked up a few different kinds of soft yarn, just to try different textures. I found a basic hat pattern and kind of followed it. :) Here are my results:

I love the way these different yarns worked up! The hot pink with the scarf below is my favorite. I almost threw it out, but then started decreasing and all was saved as it became the wig type cap it was meant to be (and not the bucket I thought I'd shape it into!)

I know the formatting is pretty awful here, but you have all the pictures anyway! I just wanted to share my creations. I'm working on a couple of "boy" hats next (boy colors of the hot pink fuzzy one) and then a scarf to match the multicolored purple one.

Back from Vacation

We are back from an activity filled vacation in Indiana with T's parents. We went to Holiday World (think Six Flags and a water park rolled into one), we went to the local pool, the Children's Museum of Evansville, met with both of T's brothers, and one of T's college buddies. The kids walked with Grandpa, Grandma and Dad each morning, despite near triple digit temps. All that, and we were only there for 5 days - and two of those were travel days!

I got a lot of crochet done in the van there and back. (7 hours travel time). I did a hat for H and one for G, plus a scarf/facewarmer for G. I'm ready to do one for me now! :)

H had episodes/tantrums daily while we were there. It's so exhausting, yet I really feel for her. *sigh* I know she is worrying a lot about being abandoned again, especially what will happen to her if we die. I'm not really sure how to help her, but I'm looking forward to having our therapists' help!

Today I'm meeting our new foster care worker. We have had the same worker supporting us and our home (and all the paperwork that goes with it!) for the past 5 years. She was wonderful, and I just can't imagine any way that our new worker will measure up! But at the same time I'm nervous to meet her. I don't know what to expect, and I hope that she's understanding of what we go through with H. I spent the last hour doing some last minute cleaning, and I'm feeling better now. I can be very productive when I need to be!

Vacation

Here is my try at posting a picture. We recently took a 2 week vacation. We spent one day and two nights in Chicago.

Highlights included the Field Museum and Shedd Aquarium, as well as successful dining experiences at a few different restaurants! Especially impressive was that we all enjoyed the Thai restaurant, even though it was the first time for any of the kids to eat Thai, and they did NOT serve chicken nuggets! :)

Lowlights were 3 significant PTSD episodes for H. :( Once we were even approached by a security guard concerned to see my dragging H out of the museum! That had my heart racing, but we did ok, and chasing seagulls on the museum lawn helped H to calm down.

This picture shows us "shunken" to the size of an ant in an underground portion of the museum. I am leaning my hand on a worm. G really thought she WAS shrunk, and was uncomfortable until I explained it to her. H was freaked out by the bugs, but still enjoyed herself, holding firmly to an adult's hand! J was pleasantly surprised that he enjoyed it, too!

A Post for Helen

Helen, this one is for you! :) I've been reading your blogs, and set this one up a long time ago, but haven't gotten into the habit of posting regularly yet.

A few things have me thinking of you! I guess just because you are one of the most grounded women I know and admire, and also because of the textile art connection. So here are a few new things from me...

While we were visiting my family in Wisconsin, my 4 year old niece ("twin" to my G) was suddenly diagnosed with leukemia. My sister and the entire family are coping incredibly. It was hard to leave and continue on our vacation, and hard to be home, here, so far away from them. I also found myself struggling with a seed of bitterness toward God, having to do with the death of our daughter Ruth 6 years ago. With my niece's illness I found that bitterness blooming into an ugly flower. It took some time and prayer, and I kept thinking "I should write or call Helen!" and I kept praying for God to send me someone to counsel me. And in time I found my peace again. I think I'll keep that for another blog. I certainly need to write it down for myself, because I think it may be a recurring issue for me!

So where do textiles fit in??? Well, at home here and so far from my sister and niece, I struggled with a strong desire to DO something, anything, to help. A trip to see them is just out of the question right now, for various reasons. And as her hair started to thin it hit me - I could crochet a HAT! I went to Hobby Lobby and bought some super soft yarns, and looked up some patterns online. The first hat came together well, and a little modifying at the end gave it a good look. I'm afraid it may be a little small, but it is VERY soft, and it can be donated to the hospital (or to my nephew!) if it doesn't fit. I started the second hat with some very silky, slippery, hairy, yarn. I wanted to try to make a bucket hat out of it. It soon became the joke of the family as it looked more and more potholder/frisbee like with every row I added. One night I tried to pull it out in disgust, and the yarn is so hairy it knots on itself! Ugh! I couldn't even salvage the yarn. The next day I decided to try one more time and added some decreasing rows. It was a miraculous transformation. It's not a bucket hat; it's a hot pink, hairy, slinky, wig hat. :) I used the rest of the yarn to make a scarf/boa to match. My heart and spirits soared! It made my day to salvage and complete that project.

And my kids have been requesting hats of their own, so I bought some more yarns, trying different textures, and I'm having a LOT of fun. I just wanted to share with you.